Read the full script here!

Or just read a page for now:

LESLIE (late 40s, male, gay, cheeky, pretentious, a classic sleazeball) strides in.

LESLIE

Hello my stars! Incredible job. Truly magical. Like watching angels make love to the entire cast of Riverdale. Gorgeous! Muah!

DALTON

Just tell us what's wrong, Leslie.

LESLIE

Am I that obvious? Ok fine. So, we didn't get the Amazon deal--

DALTON

What!? You said it was done!

LESLIE

Well, it was until Chip and Joanna Gaines decided to throw their fancy little cowboy hats into the ring.

Dalton and Caroline both groan with frustration.

DALTON

Those country-fried fucks wouldn't even have a career if we didn't make home reno shows popular. And here they are stealing our time slot and our partners.

CAROLINE

They are such inconsiderate losers-(then, irritated) Pat, how's my water?

PAT

Umm still cold. Hey can I maybe put it down? I can't feel my hands.

LESLIE

Ok, deep breaths everyone. We may have lost Amazon, but we did land a deal with--drum roll, please...Pat!

Still holding the water, Pat panics and stomps on the ground.

LESLIE (CONT'D)

Purinaaaa!

DALTON

We don't have a dog.

Read the full script here!

Or just read a page for now:

INT. KIM'S CONVENIENCE - DAY - COLD OPEN

JANET and MR. KIM stand behind the counter when GERALD walks in. He's drenched in sweat and panting heavily.

JANET

Oh my god Gerald, are you ok?

MR. KIM

(To Janet, quietly)

He look sick. Probably rabies. (Then,

to Gerald) Sorry, no vaccine here.

GERALD

(Winded, panting)

I just ran 2 miles...trying to get in

shape...Chelsea said I gained

weight...

MR. KIM

Good for you. Now please stop sweating all over store.

GERALD

Sorry...just came in to grab a drink.

He walks over to the fridge. Janet smacks her dad's arm.

JANET

Why can't you be nicer to my friends?

MR. KIM

I treat all customer same. How you like if I come to your house and sweat all over your stuff?

JANET

You've known him for years. He's practically your friend too.

MR. KIM

I no have friends. I have Umma and I have people Umma let me talk to. The list grow shorter every year.

JANET

Well stop being (Masculine, domineering) Mr. Kim for once and just be (Friendly, welcoming) Appa.

Read the full script here!

Or just read a page for now:

INT. GYM - BLEACHERS - CONTINUOUS

ANGLE ON several students as they whisper about Missy.

DEVON

(Whispering to CHARLES LU)

I heard she queefed so hard she knocked out the power.

DEVIN

(Whispering to LOLA)

Someone said it sounded like Sylvester Stallone getting his prostate checked.

CALEB

(Normal volume, to no one)

I don't know how to whisper.

ANGLE ON Missy and Mona. Missy sits on the bleachers looking miserable.

MONA

Chin up, Missy-bug. Let's go see if Lars's wheelchair has a sport mode. There's nothing a little vibration can't fix.

MISSY

(Distraught)

NO! I ruined the sanctity of our relationship! I can't just act like everything's normal when it's not!

SFX: Another low, disgruntled queef

MISSY (CONT.)

Sweet Mary Todd Lincoln! All of the guilt is making me queef like a mad woman!

MONA

Forget the outside noise, focus on, girlfriend. Do a little hanky you panky with Lars here, a little smoochy smooch with Nick over there - hey, maybe even throw that Simon the Chipmunk fucker Andrew a bone, huh?

MISSY

But won't people think I'm a hussy?

Read the full script here!

Or just read a page for now:

BILLY

(Emphatically)

To the Team Dynamite-Mobile! (Beat, then) Where is it?

CLIVE

I swear I parked it right out front.

Billy pulls a NOTE off of the PARKING METER in front of them.

BILLY

(Annoyed)

What! We got towed!

JULIO

Aw man! my morning cheeseburger was in there.

CLIVE

Dare I ask what a morning cheeseburger is?

ANGLE ON BILLY as he angrily chucks the ticket into the street. His friends continue to talk behind him.

JULIO (O.S.)

It's a cheeseburger eaten exclusively in the mornings.

CLIVE (O.S.)

Julio your way of living is jarring.

JULIO (O.S.)

Thank you.

As it floats down, the ticket gets rammed by a SPEEDING CAR.

Billy checks his mobile police scanner.

BILLY

That's the car! We gotta move!

GOMEZ

What do you want us to do? Link arms and wish on a star for our friggin car to come back?

Billy jumps onto the back of a MOVING FREIGHT TRUCK.

BILLY

(Calling back to his friends)

Figure it out!

Read the full script here!

Or just read a page for now:

INT. CAM AND MITCH'S KITCHEN

MITCH appears in the doorway. He sees CAM with 3 cockatoos in bird cages on the kitchen counter, Cam looks distressed, keeping an eye on the birds.

MITCH

Cam-

CAM

Shhhh, Mitchell this is Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle. Girls this is my husband, Mitchell.

MITCH

I guess I'll just ask "why" and let you take over.

CAM

(Slightly fearful)

These are Pepper's birds. Every 3 months he lets a friend watch them while he marches at Disney Land for the characters to free the nipple. It's my turn to watch them, and Pepper said if all goes well he can get Lily into that dance academy she won't shut up about.

MITCH

Wow, ok. That was a lot-

Cam aggressively shushes Mitch, who starts speaking in a more hushed voice.

MITCH (CONT’D)

-Why are you whispering?

CAM

Pepper bought them from a merchant in Finland who claimed these birds used to be used in Russian espionage so they're trained to respond to certain code words.

MITCH

Which are?

CAM

So far we know not to say "hands," "dingo" and "Sean Penn."

MITCH

Sean Penn?

The birds start to get riled up.

CAM

Bootylicious, bootylicious.

Mitch stares.

CAM (CONT’D)

That calms them down.